


nine of swords

by milkcan



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Astrology, Homestuck mention, Internal Conflict, M/M, Post-Squip, Self-Esteem Issues, Tarot, jeremy feels bad tee ehm, jeremy with a legit stutter, pining Jeremy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-12-21 15:45:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11947431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milkcan/pseuds/milkcan
Summary: He places the cards in between them in a neat stack. "So. What do you wanna focus on in your reading?"Jeremy blinks. What the hell can you actually focus on in a tarot card reading? Love? Your fortune? Would it tell him something he didn't already know? What if it suggested he was sort of in love with Michael and he freaked out - could that even happen or am I overthinking this shit again. This was entirely spur of the moment, how was he supposed to know what could be focused on or not?(Michael gives Jeremy a tarot card reading and finds some things out about him. Jeremy finds some things out about himself as well.)





	nine of swords

**Author's Note:**

> hi i love pining jeremy, tarot, and angst  
> (i also figured out how to format on ao3 yahoo)

"Can I give you a tarot card reading?"

Jeremy looks up from his Trig homework from his spot on the floor. Michael's sitting at the desk in the corner of Jeremy's room, his own homework long forgotten, a thick deck of cards spread out onto the minimal free space of the eternally cluttered surface. Jeremy blinks up at him.

"I need someone else to practice on who isn't myself." Michael shuffles the deck of cards. "Plus you've already let me do other readings for you."

 _Right_. Michael had been into this kind of stuff for  _months_ now - something about Buzzfeed Unsolved and  _the Try Guys spoke with a medium holy shit_ and  _you liked Homestuck at one point, right?_ It had started with astrology which, Jeremy thought he had a pretty good grip on; he knew he was a Taurus before Michael even told him, and was totally guilty of reading his horoscope online occasionally. (And reading about which signs were romantically compatible with his own, but he wouldn't tell anyone that. Mostly because this included Michael's sign (Pisces). Which is actually _super_ compatible with Taurus and that's _embarrassing_ because Jeremy's already _friend_ compatible with him, and knowing that their signs are  _romantic_  compatible makes his tiny crush on Michael ten times worse. Michael would probably know that already, so why even mention it, right?)

Apparently it was  _so_ much more than just being a Taurus though, because Michael asked for his time and place of birth instead of his birthday, and immediately went into trying to explain what all the planets meant in your chart, how planets can be in conjunct or some  _other_ huge word that sounds like it belongs in a Trig textbook, and  _wow Jeremy_ _you have a lot of Aquarius in your chart but I kinda guessed you had a Virgo rising-_

Speaking of Trig, Jeremy glances down at the open notebook in front of him. The unit circle can come later. Math is a  _joke_ and Michael usually helps him anyway, but he's not even doing homework.

"True. Go for it then."

Michael grins, and Jeremy can feel his face heat up while he watches Michael dig around his backpack ( _Ha, the 'riends' is still there how nice)_  for something.

"What're you looking for?"

Michael zips the pocket closed, quickly unzipping another and rummaging inside. "My reference book, it has what all the cards mean in it."

Jeremy breathes out a laugh. "You mean you want to give me a reading, but you don't even know what the cards mean?"

With a quick  _ah-ha_ , Michael turns to him, reference book in hand. He narrows his eyes. "Hey listen here, _Germy_. You try memorizing the meaning of 78 cards  _and_ what they mean reversed!" Jeremy lets out a laugh at that, and Michael sits on the floor in front of him, moving the Trig notebook and opening the reference book.

"Where are the cards?"

They both look over to the desk in the corner, and Michael groans. "Are you  _kidding_ me?" 

Jeremy snorts. "Do you want me to get them for you?" 

Michael is already standing. Jeremy grins up at him and Michael narrows his eyes again, a smile forming despite his efforts to stay serious.

"Dude, you're such a shithead."

"I try my best."

Michael comes back with the cards and takes his seat on the floor in front of Jeremy. He places the cards in between them in a neat stack. "So. What do you wanna focus on in your reading?"

Jeremy blinks. What the hell can you actually focus on in a tarot card reading? Love? Your fortune? Would it tell him something he didn't already know? What if it suggested he was sort of in love with Michael and he freaked out, could that even happen or _am I overthinking this shit again_. This was entirely spur of the moment, how was  _he_  supposed to know what could be focused on or not?

"Well.  _You_ suggested the reading, do you think you should focus on anything?"

Michael looks thoughtful for a second. "Okay true. Maybe we can just do a basic one, y'know?"

Jeremy nods, and Michael takes out his phone, typing furiously. "Before you say anything, I need to find a basic spread. I don't have any written in my book yet."

 _Wait, holy shit._ "Did you _handwrite_ your reference book?"

Michael zooms in on something on his phone and sets it next to him. "Yeah, I did. Why?"

"You mean to tell me that you wrote 78 card definitions  _and_ the reversed, but you don't even take extensive notes for class?"

Michael leans back on his hands and stares at Jeremy with an unreadable expression. "That's my executive dysfunction, babe."

Jeremy can feel his face turn bright red again, but forces out a laugh as his thoughts turn into something akin to a keysmash. _Wow holy shit he called you babe!!!! was it a friendly babe or was it part of the punchline or does he like you too should you bring it up or_

"So  _anyway_. Yeah, a basic reading sounds good."

Michael grins and slides the cards toward him. Jeremy gives him a sheepish smile.

"Alright, go ahead and shuffle the cards however you want. Like turn 'em around and stuff."

Jeremy looks at him and then back down at the cards. He starts mixing them around.

"And make sure you  _really_ put your subconscious into the deck. It'll give you an accurate reading."

Jeremy looks across at Michael. He's sitting with his legs folded and his hands on his knees, watching him intently with an excited smile on his face.  _Oh wow he's super into this good thing I'm super into him - or maybe not - I still don't know if I'm super into him maybe it's because I'm worried if he_ won't _be super into me back because of all the things I've done to him? why is he still friends with me this is so confusing and he's cute this is bad_

"Okay, I think that's enough?"

"Are you sure? Why did you make it sound like a question?"

Jeremy makes a face. "I don't know, that's just how it came out. Do you think it was enough?"

Michael puts his hands up. " _You're_ the one shuffling, if it feels like enough, it's enough." Jeremy nods slowly.

"Yeah. Yeah, it was enough."

"Okay, then cut the cards."

Jeremy can feel Michael staring at him as he does just that. He sets the stack neatly inbetween the two of them.

"Okay good. Now draw three cards."

Jeremy goes to draw the first card, but hesitates. "Wait, is there a certain way I should lay them down?"

Michael shakes his head. "Nah, I guess you can just put them next to each other in a row. That's usually how I do it."

Jeremy draws three cards, setting them side by side, face down in front of him. "Should I flip them over?" 

Michael scoots forward a bit, hands settling back into place on his knees. "We can do one at a time," he points at the one on Jeremy's left. "Let's start with your past." Michael flips the card over.  _Wheel of Fortune._

There's a wheel in the center of the card with various animals surrounding it, and Jeremy can't help but be reminded of the time Michael did his birth chart -  _there was a wheel involved with that, right? but then he wrote it out so it was easier to read but i still had no idea what any of it meant, or was the wheel for something else_

Michael flips through his reference book, drags his finger down a page, and starts, eyes skimming the page.

"Okay so. This particular card indicates some sort of huge, unexpected turning point that happened that you couldn't have predicted. 'Wheel-like actions, changes in direction.' According to my book, at least."

Jeremy leans his chin on his hand. "So like. The SQUIP?"

"Well, yeah, but other things too? I don't think it would just _show up_ if it was only one thing." Michael turns a page in his reference book.

Jeremy thinks for a second. "I guess like, mom leaving too. Couldn't have predicted that." He smiles grimly.

Another page turn. "Yeah." A beat. "I'm really sorry, man."

Jeremy sits up straighter, shaking his head and waving it off. "Don't worry about it, dude. Anyway. which card should I flip next?"

He feels the worried look Michael gives him  _yeah of course he's going to worry about it who do you think he is? all you do is worry him with your depressing shit you're still really pissed off at what your mom did and you should be over it by now shouldn't you or at least not so_ hung up _on it she's_ gone _and not coming back she made that clear_

"The middle one. This one is for the present." Michael flips the card over for him.

 _Nine of Swords._ There's someone sitting up in bed with their head in their hands, and it makes Jeremy's stomach churn.  _What the hell does this one mean?_

It reminds him of the nights that he would wake up out of his sleep, the SQUIP immediately berating him with how  _worthless_ he was, how he shouldn't be awake at such an  _ungodly hour,_ how none of his friends would be awake to talk to him, none of his friends didn't  _want_ to speak to him. Jeremy would sit with his hands threaded through his hair, resisting the urge to tug, and hoping he would be able to fall back asleep.

"I don't think I'm gonna like this card." 

Michael laughs nervously. "Yeah uh, this card kinda worries me, to be honest." Jeremy grimaces.  _Oh no what_

"But, just take this for what it's worth, you know? You know yourself best."

Jeremy nods slowly. "Right, so. What does it mean then?"

Michael takes a deep breath, pressing his finger to the description in his reference book. "Well, anxiety and depression are two big ones, as well as insomnia  _because_ of anxiety and worry. Also feelings of guilt. That's the basic gist of it."

The entirety of Jeremy's body runs cold.  _How are these_ stupid _cards reading me like an open book this is exactly me I_ knew _I didn't like this card_

"This could also just indicate a rough patch in your life, like it might not be as bad as the description says? Or it's just a warning for an upcoming rough patch." Michael almost sounds hopeful.

Jeremy stares at a patch of carpet, his whole body tingling nervously.  _What the hell what the hell what the hell how can a deck of cards tell someone how I'm feeling better than I can why couldn't I have just told Michael about everything how about I fucking_ relax _and not worry him again you've already done enough_

"Jer? Are you alright?"

Jeremy looks up, his head still resting in his hands. His hands thrum quickly. Michael looks worried, the reference book resting in his lap and his hands twisting nervously at the bracelet on his wrist.

 _Nice going asshole you did exactly what you set out_ not  _to do_

"You're kinda pale, what's going on, bud?"

_Are you finally gonna tell him? or just lie through your teeth again_

"It's truh-true." Jeremy feels so small, the thrum in his hands gradually getting faster. He feels like he might cry.

Michael's moved over next to him. "Hey, hey, it's alright, Jer."

Jeremy's hands fly from his face. "No it's nuh- _not_! Ev-everything's guh-gone to sh-shi- _shit_ , man! I am  _shit_!" His voice breaks on the last word. He's not even sad, just angry. Mostly at himself because  _wow you've finally done it the cats out of the bag right?_   _what a way for this happened oh michael looks like kicked puppy nice going friend of the year_

Michael purses his lips for a second before reaching for his backpack and unzipping the front pocket.  _Ha you've ruined this whole reading with your outburst you've ruined this for him he was so into it and now he's gonna put the cards away you better apologize that was a real shitty thing to do_

Before he can say anything, Michael's sitting up again and pressing something cool and smooth into Jeremy's hand.

"So, I know you dug the whole healing crystals thing when I told you about them, so I think you could benefit from this one. You'll have to cleanse it because I've had it for _years_ now, but I think it's helped me a lot, and I've been meaning to get you one anyway. I'm sorry it's all I've got right now."

Jeremy looks down at his hand, the pink translucent heart-shaped stone staring back up at him.  _Rose quartz?_  He feels himself tearing up again.

"Wuh-" he takes a deep breath. "What's it for?"

Michael smiles sheepishly, hand still fiddling with his bracelet. "It's supposed to help with self-love and just, love in general."

Jeremy sags greatly at that, the rose quartz held tightly in his fist, a sob racking his body. Michael makes a pained face, and his hand finds Jeremy's shoulder, squeezing lightly. The tears are running down his face, the thrum in his hands replaced by a clammy coldness. He leans his head on Michael's shoulder, and Michael wraps an arm around him.

"Jer, things are gonna be alright, I love you, man.  _People_ love you, we're all here for you."

Jeremy sobs freely into his shoulder.  _Why is he so nice to you you don't deserve this you don't deserve him you're so_ awful  _you've been so awful -_ he looks up at Michael, his face feels gross. Michael's looking at him with a small, warm smile on his face as he puts both hands on either side of Jeremy's face. "Hey, I love you, right-" Jeremy's heart jumps -  _is he confessing? is he confessi_

"-and I forgive you, for everything. If that's what this is about, anyway. Yeah, I won't  _forget_ what's happened, but you couldn't have helped it. You were being controlled."

 _But I could've_ not _taken the SQUIP and none of this would have happened and I_ could _have helped it -_ Jeremy sniffs. He doesn't trust himself to say anything in return. It would be like beating a dead horse at this point anyway, he would breakdown, apologize to Michael, and Michael would tell him the same thing each time.  _He forgives you he forgives you let it go already all you do is worry him with your shit some friend you are you wouldn't be a very good boyfr_

"Suh-sorry." Michael gives him an incredulous look. "Sorry? Don't be sorry, Jeremy, we've already talked about this!"

Jeremy flinches, sitting back away from Michael's hands. He doesn't miss the look of guilt that crosses his face. "I kn-kn-know, but I- I just," he shrugs in defeat. "I d-don't  _know_ ah-anymore."  _I feel so tired you don't even know_ I  _don't even know everything is so much_

Michael's hands find his lap again. "You need to take time for yourself, man, to like," he gestures vaguely. "Take care of yourself, self-care and all that. Physically  _and_ mentally, because you're not doing so hot and you deserve to feel alright. And I'm here to help you however I can, Jer."  _What did I do to deserve him? absolutely nothing he's actually an angel and_ wow  _I think I'm actually in love? so am I really going to fall in love with somebody because they deal with my breakdowns and help me and overextend themselves for me even when it feels like I just take and take and take from them_

"Wi-will you really hah-help me?" Jeremy sniffs.  _Take and take and take and_

Michael smiles at him. "Of course, dude, that's what best friends are for, right?"

 _Right, best friends nothing more never more never more-_ Jeremy breathes out a laugh. "Right."

Michael sighs, leaning back on his hands and looking down between them. Jeremy follows where he's looking-

"So are we uh, gonna finish the reading? We don't  _have_ to-"

"No it's alright, I thi-think I'm good with whuh-what you've given me already."

Michael nods, gathering the three cards and shuffling them into his deck.  _Maybe he's right maybe if I work on myself I can get better and then I can work on_ us _then, maybe_

"Huh-how am I gonna cleh-cleanse this quartz though?"

 

**Author's Note:**

> i love projecting everything onto characters! including my interests!!  
> also jeremy heere is a taurus and michael mell is a pisces u cant convince me otherwise
> 
> catch me on tumblr: mixo-lydian


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